Way back in the 1980's when I was in high school there was one openly gay student in my large, public high school. He was exceedingly talented in music, particularly singing, theater and not especially flamboyant. But everyone knew he was gay. I remember when he played Rolf in the school production of The Sound of Music, everyone was very worried about the kissing scene. The girl who played Liesl was gracious, but you could tell it made her uncomfortable. There was a lot of talk backstage about his being gay. Not a lot of negative commentary as we lived in a pretty liberal university town, but this kid's sexual preference was noted regularly even among the most tolerant of the students.
From then on it only got worse for this boy. He was constantly harassed verbally and physically. I remember my friends and I making a circle of bodies around this student in the lunchroom one day so the bullies who had followed him from the hallways would not physically torment him. They would punch him, kick him and call him names every day, all day. I thought it was horrible then, but didn't know what to do. But the scene was a vivid memory. The kid would have bruises, even a black eye once from these Neanderthals.
But like many gay high school students today, this student eventually had to drop out of the regular school, for which he could have been academically successful and an asset to the school's many extra-curricular activities. By the end of sophomore year he was transferred to the alternative school, which we all know would be great for his social development but not probably for his academic record. I thought it sad that he would have to leave because others couldn't behave themselves properly. Why did he have to leave why weren't the others punished? The school then lacked tools then to deal with the bullying, and we kids did, too. Now we all know better but nothing has been done to change the situation.
Today I see gay youth follow two distinct paths. One is the one where the student is out or outed in high school. Rarely does this student make it four years in that school. They either drop out to go to an alternative school, a G.E.D. program or a school where no one knows him/her. This group is inevitably high-risk.
The second path is of complete silence on the issue until college or even later. The boys, usually smart, high-achieving students, take on every straight, macho role they can: sports player, cutest boyfriend. Often times they play the most pious role, too. This seems to create enough of a confusion so that no one is sure they are gay: "But he's had so many girlfriends. But he plays football. But he's so religious…He can't be gay." Other boys who are not sporty often embrace invisibility or shyness. They are sensitive writers or actors playing the romantic lead – which they fake really well and thus become the favorite boyfriends of many smart girls. One very bright girl came to me crying that one of these boys had broken up with her. I could say nothing but, "It will all make sense some day. It's not you -- You're fine. It's got to be something he's working through."
The girls embrace sports, perfection and invisibility. They throw themselves into their sports and studies so they're always busy. They are always tired (keeping secrets is exhausting). They don't have enough energy to date anyone or to have social lives. Sometimes they go out in groups of girls. The volleyball team will go to homecoming together, and another girl will dress her and do her makeup. She hasn't had time to learn how to become girly. Sometimes they become physical bullies and other girls are afraid of her. They only date very macho boys and only for very short periods of time.
When these kids complain about high school – generally, of course, a student can't mention to anyone that he/she might be gay – I say, "When you go to college you will be more able to be yourself. It will get better when you get out of here. Life outside of this small town isn't as fish-bowl-like. College is much more free than here." But I say these things out of instinct. I guess at what I would like my gay child to hear from her/his teacher. And one of my favorite students got an earful from me when he wasn't sure that going away to college was the right thing to do. I practically demanded he get out of town. I know he thought I was crazy at the time, but I knew that he could never be himself in our small town. Not without leaving it for awhile, first.
But in the 14 years I have been teaching, never once have I attended or heard about a seminar, meeting or conference dealing with LGTBQ youth that was directed at teachers or students. There have been a few at our state teacher convention aimed at counselors but never at teachers. Why has nothing changed? Why have our administrators, counselors, teachers and parents not asked for more? Why has not our state department of instruction done more? I am here to beg for more. I am here to demand more for these LGTBQ kids and the straight kids who need to learn tolerance, acceptance and love. We are doing all the kids a disservice by not addressing this issue. We are failing all our children.
My goal in trying to change things is this 1. write something every day about gay kids in high school or 2. do something every day to try to make it better. Today I contacted the guidance counselor. I told her I wanted to set up some LGTBQ safe zones in the building and she suggested a chapter of PFLAG or other organization. So we're working together as of now to put something together. But we're on our way.
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